Recovery

I'm recovering now.

To completely honest, last semester broke me. It broke my spirit. After working hard and stressing and feeling completely out of control with Organic Chemistry, I received a grade that was not my goal. Not only did I fail to reach my goal, but I was faced with retaking the class because of grad school requirements for certain classes. 

I cried and cried and something just cracked to pieces within me.

The buildup, the sleep deprivation, the stress, the failure. The bleary eyes when I finally gazed upon my final grade. I was so close...but I didn't make it. I didn't make it and I didn't know if I could ever make it. I lost confidence in myself. My subconscious searched for answers, how could this happen, grades always seem to work out, how could I possibly FAIL.

FAILURE was the word deeply inscribed in my brain. And I didn't know what to do with it. My identity crumbled. The stuff I had worked on building up for 2 years crumbled - the self esteem, confidence, self assuredness, motivation, ambitions...they just turned to dust.

Around a week ago I finally mustered my courage from the ashes and sent an email to the director of the program, asking her about my situation, and if I could possibly take an alternative orgo class to ease my schedule. 

She replied that they had changed the requirements for the program, and that I would have no reason to take organic chemistry again.

...it was then that I broke down and gave thanks to God, and apologized for having been angry at Him, for ever doubting His plan.

God is good.

Meanwhile, I have to recover from months of basically destroying myself. Depression was rampant, I avoided people and friends, I hated my family, I had no ambition, and no hope.

Now I am attempting to transition away from this destructive lifestyle.

Obviously, dear reader, I do not know where you have been, or where you are, but if you have experienced anything like what I describe I'm sure you know that it's no easy task to get out. It's resetting all of your automatic thought processes, basically. It's not comfortable, and it's not quick. So here I am today.

Anyway, here's a pomegranate (colored pencil) and a Fenekin (microns + copics).