Need for Change

Card for baby shower - ink + colored pencil

My mind is dead-set on finishing this semester. Once I finish this semester, I can start my LAST semester - that is, my last semester of school, EVER. I will have my Master's degree and never have to deal with school again.
Once I graduate I can study for my boards. Then take my boards. Then get a job. Then get married. Then...then...

This is the part where I always tell myself that I will be able to "start my real life". What does that even mean?
It had come to my attention that this doesn't mean much. I have said this in previous entries, but my life is now. I tend to be a person oriented always to the future, to be working toward something better. If I can just get past this or do that, then my life will be better, it will be livable, then I can be happy.

I think I need to change my perspective. Mindfulness has been a theme in my life as of late - that is, it has come to my attention that I lack mindfulness. I look forward to moments only to be distracted by future events IN THOSE MOMENTS. When your life is lived like this, it is never lived.

I have been holding on to a lot of stuff. Bitterness, tension, responsibilities, anxiety, stress. It's taking a toll on my body; I can feel it. And my body is constantly screaming at me, too.

When I think about releasing these things, my body tenses up and my throat gets tight and there is an overwhelming NO response from deep inside me. My body has been holding on to these things for so long it thinks it will die without them.

But I can't start living until I release them.

I need to explore this further, because this is not how I want to live my life. It makes me a person that I don't want to be. And I feel time speeding up. I don't want to wake up one day and realize with horror that I missed paying attention to my life.