A Break

Avocado - pixel art

Welp, I did it. I finished this semester, leaving only one more semester to go until graduation.

My program gives me two weeks off until the start of the next semester, so I had an actual real break (the first one since Christmas).

It was super uncomfortably
strange at first, but now I don't want to go back. I did need the break, though. I just wish it were a week longer.

As discussion in last month's post, it has come to my attention that mindfulness is an important element that I am missing in my life. The other day I did yoga and meditated for the first time in forever and it felt great but it also made me sad to think about how long it had been.
My mind doesn't like to work with me on goals. It loves to dream up ideas and dreams and idealistic practices, but never wants to do them.
My health (both mental and physical) is suffering because of my procrastination in this area and it needs to change. I need to start good, healthy practices again or else my health will keep sinking and sinking.

Much of the problem comes from how much I second guess myself. It came into my awareness today how much energy I was spending on making very simple decisions, going back and forth...causing decision fatigue (it's real; look it up). I know a certain habit or practice is good, but keep giving excuses as to why I won't do it, or I will, or I won't...I won't because there's a better way to do it and I need to wait until I know how to do that...I will because I know it's good for me...I won't because I could be doing this other thing that is good for me...which thing is better? I only have so much time...I could be doing something else...it's been 30 minutes. I wasted all that time. I can't do it anymore.

...yeah, my mind is pretty good at sabotaging things. Speaking of which. Mental health. Been a serious struggle for the entirety of 2018. Christmas messed me up and made me think about and try and tackle things that were buried. Yes, I am still feeling the effects from that. I remember thinking during that time, "Wow, this is really going to stick with me and mess me up for a while." Certain things touch sore spots, and you don't forget them easily. I'm working on this. These are areas of insecurity, hurt, bitterness, and unforgiveness that God has called into the light recently and asked me to address.
I have been trying as best I can, but I keep forgetting - a common theme throughout my life - that it is NOT in my own power that I am able to do this (hence my consistent failure), but only when I trust God and let Him do His work through me. I cannot do anything in my own power.