Preparing for change; studying, applying for jobs, the wedding, marriage, moving in together. Lots of stuff.
The past month has been better than I thought it would be, but a bit stagnant. I am feeling unchallenged and uneasy about not growing. Normally I feel like challenging myself, but whether it's the anticipated upcoming challenges and changes in my life or just laziness, or perhaps resting...I don't feel very motivated.
Also, I have been feeling a surprising and alarming amount of confusion when it comes to deciding on goals and where I want to be and work toward. In the past, there have always been a million things that I wanted to work toward...but now...more than likely due to the absolute change in direction my life has taken (due to impending marriage), I am faced with a set of new realities that push me to reconsider where I am putting my priorities. For example, art no longer feels like a priority at all (clearly, judging by my output). What seems more important are things like professional and relational development, along with financial management, planning, and homemaking (I know, very adult, how boring).
While these are good priorities to have - and necessary - I am feeling a bit uncomfortable. It's good to have these in the forefront of my brain, as they are needed if I am to become a good employee and wife...but...part of me feels remorse. It almost feels as if I have betrayed a part of myself. And yet at the same time, if that's possible, I feel like it's a good and necessary change, that I like and enjoy becoming a new person, per say.
Anyway, these things are hanging on my mind right now (just so you can get an idea of how scrambled my brain must be):
The past month has been better than I thought it would be, but a bit stagnant. I am feeling unchallenged and uneasy about not growing. Normally I feel like challenging myself, but whether it's the anticipated upcoming challenges and changes in my life or just laziness, or perhaps resting...I don't feel very motivated.
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| Plant; ink |
While these are good priorities to have - and necessary - I am feeling a bit uncomfortable. It's good to have these in the forefront of my brain, as they are needed if I am to become a good employee and wife...but...part of me feels remorse. It almost feels as if I have betrayed a part of myself. And yet at the same time, if that's possible, I feel like it's a good and necessary change, that I like and enjoy becoming a new person, per say.
Anyway, these things are hanging on my mind right now (just so you can get an idea of how scrambled my brain must be):
- Getting married in 2.5 months (planning, showers, etc. etc.)
Studying for my board exam (need to pass to have a better chance at a job)Passed it! Booya!- Finding a job (what do I want? Full time for the money? Part time for the flexibility? What about insurance? etc. etc.)
- Starting to move into a new place, homemaking, buying appliances, big purchases, etc...realizing that I am truly an adult now.
- Trying to manage finances (planning is hard without getting anxious or controlling)
- Trying to manage friendships (this is...an area of failure)
- Trying to manage + promote relationship with fiancé (premarital discussions, working out differences, trying to manage how we will live together and avoid conflict)
- Professional development
- Personal development
- Spiritual development
- Health related issues
- General anxiety (due to lack of control) + other mental health...stuff
Soooo yes. It's been an interesting time.
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